


Plans Never Work

by Unformal_Sorrelle



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: AU, Crack, Fridge Logic, Gen, Humor, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts Dream Drop Distance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:12:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unformal_Sorrelle/pseuds/Unformal_Sorrelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for KH3D. What if Axel hadn't saved Sora at the last minute? Xehanort's plan seems to have succeeded until, well, it doesn't. "This was something he hadn't expected. He was on a beach, one of the Destiny Islands, and he wasn't alone. Some of these people he recognized, but others, not so much. Why was he here? Why were they here? Shouldn't he be in control of Sora by now?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Xehanort's Plan Works... And Then Fails In Ways Even He Couldn't Have Seen Coming

[ ](http://s1027.photobucket.com/user/keralinda/media/pnwcover_zpskajdzzav.png.html)

Xehanort pointed his keyblade at Sora and fired a beam of light. Mickey and Riku cried out and tried to stop it but they were too late. The light hit Sora's chest. Xehanort's plan had worked.

...

Then again, Xehanort had to admit, maybe not. This was something he hadn't expected.

He was on a beach, one of the Destiny Islands, and he wasn't alone. Some of these people he recognized but others, not so much. Why was he here? Why were they here? Shouldn't he be in control of Sora by now?

"Hey! We got another one!" a black haired girl called to the others,

"Another one? Seriously? It's getting way too crowded in here." The black-haired boy who resembled Sora grumbled before he turned around, "Master Xehanort?!"

"Xehanort?" One of the spiky haired blonds growled,

"So that's Xehanort?" The other blond, mostly identical to the first, glanced at the old keyblade master, "Is he even human? Seriously, he looks... weird."

"That is not my old apprentice." The only other adult commented.

"Vanitas? Ventus? What are you doing here?" Xehanort asked as the others started to crowd around him.

"It's his fault." The dark-haired Sora, Vanitas, pointed to the first blond. "He decided to take a nap here and I got pulled along for the ride."

"What are you doing here Xehanort? And what happened to Terra!" Ven questioned,

"That isn't Xehanort," the other adult argued, "Xehanort was the apprentice who stole my identity. I'd know his face anywhere."

"You're just data." The girl said dismissively, "What do you know? Ven obviously recognizes him."

"And you're an imperfect clone." The man glowered at her, "And not meant to exist."

The girl just rolled her eyes and muttered, "Ansem? You don't exist. Data."

"I am Master Xehanort!" Xehanort barked, not used to being ignored.

"Wow. Ven, are you sure Mr. Mucus is supposed to be powerful? It just seems like he needs to clear his throat."

Ven couldn't help but smile at this but he still protested, "Roxas!"

"Whatever," Roxas shrugged, "He just doesn't seem nearly as intimidating as Xemnas. Or even Saix for that matter."

"Yep." The girl agreed, "He's creepy but..." she gave him a searching look, "He's not Xemnas."

"Yes, I am!" Xehanort's hands started to move strangely, "He is but one of my vessels-"

"So the Terra thing didn't work?" Vanitas asked, looking over Xehanort's current form,

"Of course it worked!" He snapped,

"You don't look like Terra." Vanitas said.

"He was defeated." Xehanort gave his old apprentice a sharp look,

"What happened to Terra?!" Ven asked slowly, gritting his teeth,

"I told you a long time ago, he was going to be Master Xehanort's new body so he could live until the keyblade war." Vanitas waved one hand lazily, still nowhere near Xehanort's crazy hand gestures.

"I can see why," Roxas shrank back a little after looking at him, "He looks like he'll start convulsing anytime. How old are you?"

Xehanort was about tell Roxas the futility of asking his age- he would never tell him and it still wouldn't stop him from taking over Sora's body- when Vanitas spoke again.

"I have no idea. He was supposed to be around Master Eraqus's age but... Even ten years ago he was bald."

"And you thought this was one of the good guys?" Roxas looked at Ven as if he was crazy,

"Says the boy who worked for Organization XII." Vanitas smirked,

"Yes, but look at this guy!" Roxas pointed at him with a fling of his hand, "He had the Bald of Evil, the Beard of Evil and a creeper smile. Why would you ever trust a guy who looks like that?"

"Master said not to judge on appearances..." Ven looked down, embarrassed.

"Excuse me! I'm still here!" Xehanort glowered,

"Yeah, so?" the girl asked,

"He thinks that's important Xion." Vanitas said mockingly,

"He thinks that he's very important." Roxas nodded, "Very important indeed."

Both of Vanitas's and Roxas's faces were serious, melodramatically so. This made everyone other than the adults crack up and start laughing.

"I am taking over Sora's body! I don't have time for immature adolescents!"

Vanitas rolled his eyes, "Dude, do you really think we're gonna let you have the body? Me and Ven have been here for ten freaking years. Get in line."

Xehanort gasped, "But I am you're Master!"

"No you're not." Vanitas said dryly, "Plus, me and Ven are friends now. We have a lot in common, you know? And he doesn't like you. I don't really like you much either. I mean, come on wheezer! You may had freed me from Ven's heart but then you kept me in the shadows. Ven promises that if we ever get a body that he'll let me actually do something fun."

"Wheezer? Fun?!"

"Yeah! Like skateboard and eat sugar and write poetry."

"POETRY?"

"I know, I know," Vanitas spread his hands up, almost in a shrug, "Who would have thought? But if my emotions were strong enough to make monsters than I need to get them out somehow. I thought about writing song lyrics for boy-bands but I'm not that evil. Plus, poetry is relaxing."

"You are pure evil!"

"So? Does that mean I can be happy? Anyways, I write really bad poetry. Do you know that it makes great torture material?"

"Vanitas!" Ven scolded him,

"Ventus!" Vanitas teased,

"This is insane." Xehanort muttered, Ansem nodded and agreed.

"So what are we going to do with Xeha-maybe-nort?" Roxas asked, "Since I doubt he'd going to just settle here peacefully."

"I am Xehanort!" he shouted, "And I am going to take Sora as my thirteenth vessel! There is nothing you can do to stop me!"

"Dude, you do realize that everyone here- except for Data here- is a keyblade wielder? Roxas can even dual wield. You're not doing anything we don't want you to do."

...

Outside Sora's rather crowded heart, in the throne room in The World That Never Was and yet was apparently was and is, everyone watched Sora's body. Axel had appeared five seconds two late to stop Xehanort's attempted possession of Sora but held a keyblade in his hand. Of course a strange heartless thing that had come from someone's chest also had Axel in his hand so it didn't really matter in the scheme of things.

Riku and Mickey had stopped struggling against their captors a time ago and even Xehanort had stopped his long gloat. Every eye in the room was on Sora's body.

"Did it work?" The man who had once been known as Braig and Xigbar but was currently Half-Xehanort finally asked.

"Be patient!" Xehanort snapped, but even he didn't sound too sure.

"Mickey, do you think Sora's fighting him?" Riku asked quietly,

"Well gosh, I hope so!" The king answered.


	2. In Which Sora Goes Goth Today

Xehanort, the one in Sora's heart, was frowning. He was highly unamused.

"Who are all of you? What are you doing here?" He finally decided to ask. He wasn't very happy about this either. He made it his life to know everything. He planned and plotted everything. He knew everything that was going to happen. He could expect failures and correct them before they occurred. He was never clueless. He never went off script from his monologue book. Honest confusion wasn't something he had felt for a long time.

"You finally ask?" Vanitas shook his head and sighed as if Xehanort was pathetic,

"Sora helped me when you broke my heart- No, Roxas, don't even dare comment on that- and then he let me stay here after I fought Vanitas. Vanitas inadvertently came with me."

"Ok. What about you others?"

"That's when it gets complicated." Xion remarked,

"You see, Kairi showed up here for a while. She's one of Sora's best friends." Ven started,

"I think I kind of scared her." Vanitas scratched his head.

"Anyways, long story short- Sora unlocked his heart to get her out and turned into a heartless. I'm his nobody." Roxas said.

"Except," Vanitas cut in, "We think that he's partially Ventus's nobody to. Him and Naminé. But Naminé was enough of Kairi that she was sent there instead."

"Lucky her." Xion joked,

"The lovely Xion is Sora's clone," Roxas continued, "Made of memories or something. She got absorbed by Sora so no one outside of this can remember her."

"Clone." Xehanort looked at the girl blankly.

"My appearance was based on his memories of Kairi." Xion explained,

"But you got my hair." Vanitas tossed his black spikes.

"I'm not your daughter!" Xion shrieked and shoved him roughly,

"But you, Roxas and Naminé do seem to be combinations of me, Ven, Kairi and Sora." Vanitas smirked.

"You are so weird." Xion told him,

"Duh! Pure darkness incarnate, right here."

Xehanort didn't dare ask anymore than that. He needed to demand something! Waving his hands about, he loudly declared, "And now I shall-"

"Again?" Roxas complained, "Could we just skip to the fight already?"

"But-" _I was about to monologue!_ Xehanort tried to say but Vanitas interrupted,

"Do we have to fight-fight? Fighting's boring."

"This is said by darkness incarnate." Xion rolled her eyes at him,

"Have you tried being stuck with Ven, alone, for almost a whole decade?" he asked rhetorically, "Fighting gets old really fast. I declare a thumb war!"

"A thumb war?" Roxas gaped, "No! It'd have to be arm wrestling!"

"Chess." Data Ansem suggested,

"Ice-cream eating contest!" Xion recommended,

"Rock-Paper-Scissors." Ven added,

"Karaoke contest!" Vanitas improvised,

"Checkers." Ansem sighed,

"Poetry contest!"

"Limbo."

"Dancing."

"Twister."

"Battleship!"

"Monopoly."

"Hopscotch!"

...

Sora's head finally jerked up and everyone in the room to a breath of anticipation. Xehanort quickly went over his winning speech in his head, ready to greet his new vessel.

That was when something odd happened. Sora's hair started darkening and his eyes were now a golden color. His lips twisted into a decidedly un-Sora-like exspression, a smug smile.

"Finally! I have a body! After ten years!" Sora's body cheered and he pumped on off his fists up and down in celebration. Then the golden eyes actually looked around. "Oh hey Xehanort. Who designed this room? I feel like I'm in a highchair..."

" _What_?" Xehanort hadn't been this shocked since Terra's armor had fought him,

"Ooh, well sor- _ry_. How was I supposed to know you actually like feeling like you're a big kid now."The vessel which certainly didn't hold Sora or Xehanort waved his hand. Suddenly he looked at his clothes. "What am I wearing? What are those yellow _things_ that are _eating_ my feet?"

"Who are you?" Riku called out, "Where's Sora?"

"Who are you, silver boy?" The not-Sora responded, "Another Xehanort? But no, you don't smell nearly dark enough for that. Xehanort's son?"

Suddenly everyone in the room shuddered. Especially Riku. And all of the different forms of Xehanort.

Mickey was somehow able to break the silence. "His name is Riku. I'm-"

"Yes, you're the mouse." Not-Sora dismissed, "Yen Sid's apprentice. We've met before." Not-Sora's hair was pure black now and his eyes were so different from Sora's happy blue. Even his voice was deeper. It was creepy. He turned back to Riku, "So you're Riku. You don't look like much. Kairi used to ramble of for hours about you. It was so annoying!"

"How do you know Kairi?"

Not-Sora pointedly ignored that and went on rambling, "Roxas hates you though, he's still sore about you putting him in that virtual world. And don't even get me started on Miss Clone-y!"

It took a few seconds to process that. No one knew who "Miss Clone-y" was or even had the slightest guess. Axel was startled by this creeps knowledge of Roxas but he didn't have a chance to demand answers before the old bald guy put two and two together.

"Vanitas!" Xehanort finally recognized the newly dominate heart,

"Vanitas?" Mickey yelped, remembering the weird mask and skirt wearing enemy of years past. He had bad memories of getting creamed by this guy. "How did you get into Sora's heart?"

"Ven!" Vanitas snapped, "It was his fault! Ok! I've already explained it once today, I'm not going to explain it again."

"Who's Vanitas?" Axel asked,

"Xehanort's old apprentice," Mickey explained, "I thought me and Master Aqua defeated him ten years ago but... I guess I was wrong."

Xehanort chuckled, "Nyeheheh!"

"What. Was. That." Xeha-braig-bar said, "Have you finally lost it, you old coot?"

"No!" He glared, "I was trying something out."

"Oh." Xeha-brig-bar processed, "As if!"

"What?!"

"That you were crazy. As if. Yeah." He trailed off awkwardly.

Once more Xehanort questioned his wisdom in letting Braig become one of his vessels.

"Back to _me_ ," Vanitas pulled everyone back on topic, "I finally have a body. Isn't that great?"

No one thought it was so Axel skipped the loaded question entirely,

"If you're Xehanort's apprentice from way back when, how you know Roxas?"

"He's my son!" Vanitas announced, knowing just how much chaos it would bring. Or, at least a rough guesstimate. He didn't account for Axel.

"WHAT?" Everyone in the room yelled,

"But he's a nobody!" Riku protested,

Xehanort slunk deeper into his chair. This was the worst day of his life.

"No he's not!" Axel surroundings burst into fire, flaming two health bars from the weird chest-emerging-heartless-thing. Xemnas's hair caught on fire but he let it burn because although the body showed signs of a burgeoning replacement heart, he still didn't feel a thing. Plus, he secretly wanted to be as bald as his bearded self. Now that guy was cool!

A few sparks made it over to Vanitas but nothing fatal. He even tried to catch them with Sora's shoe, wanting the yellow monstrosities to burn and die. The things seemed to be immortal though so his plan didn't work. This made him sigh and unable to enjoy everyone's reactions. It was time to clear the air.

"Or, kinda. He's my light side's son."

Another "What!?" resulted but slightly less reverberating. Now everyone was more confused than so-shocked-I'm-going-to –explode.

"Ven does _not_ have a son!" Xehanort rejected, "The boy is dead! The nobody was a _nobody_!"

"Light side?" Riku whispered, not getting it. "What?"

"Roxas was Sora's nobody, not any-" but Axel was interrupted,

"I just realized, I don't know you're name. Usually, I wouldn't care, but this is the first time I've had a body for ten years. I could just ramble all day."

"Lea. L-E-A. Got it memorized?"

"Oh! I know you! You're Axel, right?"

Axel looked at him in shock before dropping is head and shaking it slowly, "Why do I even bother? Ok, Axel's fine. Axel's great. IS IT SO BAD I WANT TO GO BY THE NAME MY PARENTS GAVE ME?!"

"Yes." Xeha-braig-bar said flatly, "I don't even know _what_ to call myself anymore. You don't get to take the easy route!" Axel looked at him, "Why does every keyblade bearer look at me like I drowned their goldfish!?"

"How did you get a keyblade anyway?" Riku asked the red head.

"Very carefully." Axel responded tersely,

"Vanitas! Give Sora his body back!" Mickey yelled at him.

"No way, I just beat Data at chess! Do you know how hard it is to win against the computer? I mean sure I used some of my dark powers when he wasn't looking but-" Suddenly, Vanitas collapsed and his coloring faded.

...

"You cheated!?" Ven yelled at his darkside,

"Yeah... I'm pure evil! I have to cheat!"

"Well now Data Ansem gets to have Sora's body." Roxas complained, "I knew we should have played Twister!"

"Why?" Xion wondered,

"Old guys don't win Twister." Roxas declared,

"Roxas, be nice!" Xion said but she couldn't help but laugh,

"Well do you really want a bunch of data controlling Sora? Or mister Bald-a-lot over there?"

'Mister Bald-a-lot' protested with something that sounded a lot like "MmmmHHHMMMMmmhmmhnnnmmmf!" He was currently tied up.

"I suppose you're right..." Xion admitted uneasily.

"We can't let Data keep Sora's body!" Vanitas declared, "I don't care if I cheated, he's a _computer_. That means automatic cheating. He probably googled the best moves to make or something."

"Why did we every decide to have a chess tournament? They're boring." Roxas brought up.

"And how did we have one in two minutes?" Ven realized, "Something's fishy."

"Well this is a beach..." Xion was a little more than a year old and still hadn't gotten every figure of speech down. It didn't help that everyone took it as a joke and ignored her honest confusion.

"Someone, other than me, cheated!" Vanitas declared, "And that's just terrible! The rest of you freaks are supposed to be good and happy puppy dogs. I'm the evil dark one!"

"Do you think it was Xehanort?" Ven asked, "He is kind of a chessmaster."

"Yes, but Ansem suggested chess. And now he has Sora's body."

"The computer cheated!" Roxas proclaimed, "That means we can kick him out."

"Which one of us gets the body?" Xion wondered,

Vanitas was about to raise his hand but the glares of the other keyblade wielders stopped him in his tracks.

"Simon Says?"


	3. In Which There Is An Abundance of Monologues

"Riku," Sora's body intoned, voice deeper than a fifteen year olds should ever be. "We meet again. King Mickey," the new not-Sora bowed his head respectfully.

"Vanitas?" Xeha-braig-bar questioned,

"No. I am a data construct left inside Sora of the man you call Ansem the Wise." Not-Sora responded,

"Ansem?" Mickey burst out,

"DiZ?" Riku said at the same time.

"Yes. I am him."

"Why are you here?" Mickey asked,

"Vanitas cheated at chess, therefore I am the winner of this body."

"That body belongs to Sora!" Riku growled,

"He is unable to claim it at the moment. Xehanort informed us that he is sleeping in the darkest darkness, to deep to ever be woken up. Therefore, this body is not in use." Ansem's presence was changing Sora's appearance like Vanitas had. Sora now had white blond, straight hair and golden eyes. Riku couldn't believe Sora's spikes where gone. It just didn't seem possible. Riku had grown up with Sora and this was the first time that Sora's hair had ever been flat. It was mindboggling and horrifying. It was the greatest crime ever committed in history. Riku screamed a little in his head.

"Why won't my thirteenth vessel take!" Xehanort screamed,

"Many non-entities reside inside the heart of Sora, as do some entities. The majority voted to have a contest to decide who got the body. Xehanort did not win and was tied up with something the last time I saw him."

"I think thirteen is cursed." Xeha-braig-bar remarked,

"No! It can not be!"

...

"Simon says kill the old bald man!" Vanitas ordered gleefully,

"Erm, Vanitas? I don't think you can do that." Xion protested,

"But I'm Simon! If you wimps can't do it than I win and I get the body!"

"That's cheating."

"Dark. Side." Vanitas smirked,

"We aren't going to kill Xehanort." Xion said, "Are we guys?" She looked around to the two blond guys, "Oh, don't tell me you're actually considering it!"

"Master Xehanort destroyed my life." Ven justified,

"I've killed people before," Roxas scoffed, "At least we know this one's evil."

"MMMMmnnnmmmmffftnnnnmmmmytfg hnmFF!"

...

"Thirteen is a little high. Couldn't you have gone with like seven or something?"

"You dare suggest that I only divide my heart seven times? With ambitions so low, I would have been defeated by an infant!"

...

Somewhere a noseless man added Xehanort to the list of people he would kill if he wasn't dead.

...

"Which bald old man, Simon? I don't see a bald guy." Xion said,

"How can you say he's not bald?" Vanitas asked incredulously,

"He has a beard and eyebrows."

"They don't count."

"The beard."

"Ok, fine." Vanitas sigh, realizing she did have a point, "Simon say not to kill the old guy at the moment. Simon says... do a handstand!"

"I hate you." Roxas glared.

"Would you rather kill Mister Bald-a-lot?"

"Yes."

...

"...And that is how I came to be here, sitting amongst you." Ansem the Sora finished,

The rest of the room of white highchairs of doom stared blankly at Ansem.

"Did anyone get _any_ of that?" Xeha-braig-bar asked,

"Nope." Axel answered, "Was some of that C++?"

"What's C++?" Riku asked,

"Something to do with computers," Axel said breezily,

"Did you understand what I just told you? Yes? No?" Ansem asked,

"No repeating!" Xehanort shrieked. This made everyone else in the room look at him strangely. Xehanort realized how foolish that had sounded and snatched back his dignity that was quickly running away. He had just had an extremely nasty flashback to an unmentionable point in his life. A lesser man may have chosen this moment to clear his throat but, no. Not Xehanort. He would never clear his throat. Such a thing was beneath him. Instead, he started monologing.

"When I was a boy," his uncleared voice hammed, "I sought to escape the confines of my prison and-"

Everyone zoned out. Pretty much it was "Blah blah, X-blade, blah, X-blade, darkness, hearts, Kingdom Hearts, X-blade, blah blah blah darkest darkness. X-blade wielding unicorn blah blah darkness, hearts, Kingdom Hearts, keyblade war, destruction, creation blah X-blade. Nyheheheh! Thirteen. I have a beard. X-blade!" Basically, nothing we haven't heard before. Most of the vessels took naps, regardless of actually being this bald bearded man. Xehanort was obsessed with the X-blade. Next!

By the time he was finished, someone had won Simon Says.

...

"Yes!" Xion cheered, jumping up and down. "I won! I won! I actually get a real body now! Not a chunk of ice and weird Vexen-y stuff! Whoohoo!"

"Oh, thanks for not rubbing in my face, Xion." Roxas crossed his arms.

"At least you had a real body!" Xion defended herself,

"I think you let her win, Vanitas." Roxas accused,

"Why would you ever say that?" The evil one smirked,

"You know that only Xion can tell which seashell is which! The girl is obsessed! I never even hit the beach!"

"You live on the beach." Ven corrected,

"Not when I was alive!"

"If I did cheat, I'm not saying I did. I have a good reason."

"Why?" Roxas demanded overdramatically,

"Evil." He pointed at himself, "When are you losers gonna remember that?"

"But why Xion?" Roxas whined,

He smiled evilly.

"I'M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER!"

...

Ansem disappeared from Sora's body and it changed back to normal. For a moment Riku thought that Sora was finally reclaiming his body.

"I have a body!" the new not-Sora cheered, then not-Sora looked at the two hands attached to the arms, "And I'm a _guy_!" Not-Sora shrieked with disgust, "Not again!"

"Who are you this time?" Xeha-braig-bar asked, sounding bored. The room was trying to come back to life after Xehanort's long speech.

"It's not important, no one remembers me anyway..." Not-Sora grimaced, "Axel. Riku. Hello."

"Hi...?" Axel looked at not-Sora questionably, "Do I know you?"

"You did once. And then you forgot."

"What's your name?" Mickey asked,

"Xion." The not-Sora introduced, "I'm Sora's clone made of memories."

"You!" Xemnas said, just because he could. His head was a little cold now since his hair had all burned off.

"So you're a clone of Sora?" Riku asked,

"Yes." Xion responded, "So who wants to go get some seasalt icecream?"

"What?" Xehanort looked confused,

"Everyone can go!" Xion announced,

"Wait, I'm the one who eats seasalt icecream!" Axel protested, "Me and Roxas!"

"And me!" Xion and Saix said at the same time.

"Isa?" Axel looked up at one of the black cloaks, shock written on his face.

"No. I am... Xehanisa!" Saix responded,

"You picked Isa as a vessel?" Axel asked Xehanort, "Isa?"

"Yes."

"Whatever." Axel grew slightly morose, knowing that his dream of actually seeing the old Isa again was long gone. He looked to Xion, "So how did we eat ice-cream together without me remembering it."

"I was number XIV and you and Roxas were my best friends. It's a long story but, to wake up Sora, Namine had to put me back into Sora. Roxas killed me and I merged with Sora. Since I was made of memories and the memories were all in Sora, no one can remember me."

"That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Xeha-braig-bar commented, "You make as much sense as that Ansem dude."

"So can we go for ice-cream now?"

...

Roxas was pacing.

"What is she even going to do with body?" He ranted to Ven, "Get ice-cream?"

"If she wants to, I guess. Disneytown has some really good-" but Ven got cut off. Roxas was just ranting, not really caring about anyone else's opinion.

"I mean think how lonely I'll be without her! And there she'll be, sitting on our clock tower, eating icecream without us!"

"I guess we could try to make some icecream if you want," Ven offered, "There's the sea right there so we can probably get some salt and-"

"She's going to have so much fun and-"

"Would you stop it already?!" Vanitas glared, "I had to wait ten years for about five minutes in a body. You at least had one a few months ago."

"Which totally isn't fair." Roxas scowled, "I think that we should get another chance."

Vanitas considered this and liked that plan. He may have appreciated Xion but he wouldn't shed a tear if they switched places.

"What are you suggesting?"

...

Slowly, Sora's body had grown slightly more feminine and his hair had darkened. Riku wanted to believe this whole day had just been a dream, an actual dream that he would wake up from and none of it was real. The whole concept of the dream within a dream within a dreaming world thing had been strange enough to begin with, and now with the time travel and body snatching had been thrown into the mix. Now the person who was possessing Sora currently was trying to organize a trip to Twilight Town for icecream with even Xehanort. And apparently a girl. While being Sora's clone. Who no one could remember. Because she was made of memories. Huh?!

Riku officially decided that his life made no sense anyone. No one stayed dead. Potions cured everything. Even if someone shot a lazar at a fatal area, you weren't going to die unless someone had hit you enough beforehand. Heartless were hearts and nobodies were bodies. That apparently also had hearts. He was able to bludgeon insanely big monsters to death with an oversized key. Gravity was a joke. Physics were optional. He could breathe underwater and in space. Nobody's hair ever got messed up. Any stated fact would eventually turn out to be wrong.

"Xion!" He finally snapped, "Look around you! This isn't when you go out for icecream!"

Xion went quiet and shrank in her highchair. Mickey looked at Riku disapprovingly,

"Gawsh, Riku! I know you're right but you didn't have to be so rude about it."

"He wasn't that rude," Axel commented, "In fact that's like saying please and thank you when you comparison with-"

"It still wasn't very nice." Mickey said.

"Nice is overrated," Axel said, "Sometimes you just gotta do what works."

"I thought you were a good guy now," Xeha-braig-bar said, "All friendship and light and teaparties."

"Oh." Axel suddenly remembered his precarious position in his new group. He also recalled that his new allies where a bunch of goodie-goodies who thought a lot about politeness and optimism. "But nice is still good. Always do what's right, yes sir."

Xion facepalmed and Riku wanted to.

Xehanort wanted more attention again so he waved his hands wildly, widened his yellow eyes and raised his bushy eyebrows, "But what is right if not-"

"Right is the side that doesn't make an 'L'." Xion interrupted, "I never used to be able to tell right from left but then I got showed the trick. It's easy, see?" she held up her hands and made 90 degree angles between her thumbs and index fingers, "This one's right and the other ones left."

"That wasn't what I meant!"

"You asked what right was and I answered." Xion said huffily,

Xehanort groaned and dropped his head in his hands,

"All I wanted was to carry out a plan that I made ten years ago, just in case my main plan failed, that had to deal with time travel and dreams. Is it so much to ask that it all works!"

Xeha-braig-bar turned to him and just snorted once.


	4. In Which Roxas Makes Logical Conclusions

"Whoever wins gets to have the body for five minutes and then we switch." Roxas declared to Ven,

"Win what? I'm not playing another game of Simon Says." Ven crossed his arms,

Vanitas spread his arms out and smiled like he was the friendliest guy in the worlds, "I have the perfect idea."

"What?" the two mostly identical blonds asked suspiciously,

"Rock-em Sock-em Robots." Vanitas suggested magnanimously, as if they should be grateful for his idea.

"I call red." Roxas responded.

...

"99 bottles of potions in the bag, 99 bottles of potions. You take a hit and take a sip, 98 bottles of potions in the bag." Xeha-braig-bar sung under his breath, tired of waiting. This was getting boring. It had been supposed to be a quick and dramatic showdown, not a stupid conversation with Sora's current possessor. The only good point was that he was able to watch Xehanort's growing frustration and horror as the old coot was slowing unraveling.

Xeha-braig-bar wondered when the old coot would finally crack all the way.

Regardless, it was still taking a long time.

"95 bottles of potions on the wall..."

No one noticed his musical inclination. He was kind of glad because he thought it would be kind of embarrassing to explain that particular habit he had picked up from Demyx.

...

"I lost?" Ven sighed after the blue robot's head got punch upwards.

"Yeah! It's my body now!" Roxas did a little happy dance. Ven looked like a hurt puppy dog.

"What's got you so down?" Vanitas asked, "You'll get the body in five minutes."

"We're gonna have to deal with Xion." Ven gulped,

Suddenly the smirk left Vanitas's face. "Maybe we can hide?"

Ven looked skeptical of this. "She'd turn into a giant pink thing and beat the crud of us."

"We are so blaming this on Roxas." Vanitas whispered,

"Yeah."

...

Xion's icecream propositions hadn't gone so well so when the next not-Sora came everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Whoo! Let go eat some icecream!"

A very short sigh of relief. Now Xehanort was banging his head on his throne and even Mickey groaned. Who was it this time? The heart of Sora's collective hair? An icecream obsessed alien? His twin? His heartless? Goofy's first cousin once removed? Nothing would be surprising at this point. Not even Ansem, the sayer of darkness.

"Oh, come on! Who is it now?" Axel hollered,

"It's me! Can't you tell?" The new not-Sora's hair was turning blonder and rearranging itself, as well as slight changes to his facial structure. The voice was also different. "You should have it memorized."

It was now clear who he was.

"Roxas!" Axel exclaimed,

"Ven?" Mickey raised his eyebrows.

"At least you make sense." Riku remarked, "The others? I have no idea why they were in Sora's heart."

"Number XIII! How's it goin'?" Xeha-braig-bar called out with a slight wave,

"Axel, what are you doing here?" Roxas asked, "I thought you were dead!"

"Don't sound so disappointed," Axel joked,

"Axel, don't." Roxas said, "You're my best friend, I'm happy that you're alive!"

"I have my heart back," Axel mentioned,

"Heh, so do I. Somehow." Roxas looked confused for a moment but shook it off, "So what's going on here. I caught some from Baldalot, something about a thirteenth vessel?"

"I don't even know anymore," Axel confessed, "I think we're all confused about the multiple personality problem Sora has."

"Ah." Roxas nodded slowly, "Hey, you got a keyblade!"

"Yep. Brand new."

"How many are there now?" Roxas wondered, "Does everyone have one nowadays?"

Axel looked around the room, "Yeah. Pretty much."

"There are seven keyblades of light and-" Xehanort providing unhelpfully but luckily for everybody's sanity, Roxas stopped him before he got into the full swing of things.

"Seven? Wait... I got two, Axel has one, then you have Sora's, Xion, Ven, Aqua, Terra, Mickey, Riku and Kairi... Not including whatever happened to that Eraqus dude Ven told me about or Xehanort's original... That's more than seven."

"And thirteen of DARKNESS!" Xehanort declared,

"So some of us have dark keyblades?" Roxas scratched his head,

"I think Mickey's is supposed to be one." Axel shrugged,

"Maybe that weird keyblade of hearts was a dark keyblade." Riku muttered,

"Actually, all of my thirteen vess-"

"Sora has a dark keyblade!" Roxas sat straight up, eyes wide with surprise, "I never knew he had it in him."

"What?" Mickey exclaimed,

"Baldie-beard there was going to claim his vessels have the dark keyblades, right?"

"A clash between pure light and pure darkness to forge-" Xehanort's eyes where freaky yellow orbs, swelling to new sizes.

"That means Sora has a dark keyblade, otherwise he wouldn't make a good thirteenth vessel."

Axel looked at him worriedly, "Are you ok? You're actually being kinda smart."

Roxas groaned, "To much time with Data. He won't shut up."

"Why would Sora of all people have a dark keyblade?" Riku argued,

"It was going to be yours," Roxas said,

"But didn't silver here scare it off when he was being all dark side?" Axel mentioned, "If it was a dark keyblade then Sora would have had to be darker than evil Riku..."

A silence fell. A susurrus. Complete lack of sound.

"Wow," Mickey finally broke it, "I suppose this means that Riku was never that dark even when Maleficent had him."

"Mickey? Riku had his world swallowed in darkness because he was bored." Roxas looked at the mouse questionatly,

"So Sora's evil." Axel stated, almost as if in shock,

"I am going to have a _long_ talk with Vanitas later." Roxas growled. And then the X-blade appeared in his hand.

...

"We're going to have to do it." Vanitas said seriously as he peaked his head over the rock that he and Ven had taken cover with. "Otherwise I don't think we're going to make it."

Ven glanced over the boulder reluctantly. The ground shook. He sighed. "Ok, I understand."

The two quickly summoned their weapons and began to beat each other up while remaining under their cover.

"How much longer?" Ven grunted when Vanitas clubbed him in the side of the face,

"Until it shows up." Vanitas hissed, "But this was a poorly designed way to make a weapon!"

The ground rumbled and the two could tell that the giant footsteps were growing closer,

"Hurry!" Vanitas cried. The two fought each other for all they were worth. Suddenly, the X-blade glittered into existence.

"Yes!" Ven cheered,

"Wait..." Vanitas warned, "We'll have to be careful. Remember how easily it broke last time?"

"Yeah," Ven reminisced, "For some all powerful weapon, it sure seems fragile. It broke hundreds of years ago and it broke ten years ago. If it's supposed to be so powerful, then why does it always break?"

"'Wait... does that mean the high and mighty X-blade is useless?"

...

Xehanort's eyes had inflated like hot-air balloons covered with golden lazerbeams. There was the X-blade, everything he had ever wanted lay in his grasp. He let out a cackle and grinned possessively at the weapon. "My precious,"

"You have problems," Roxas said because _somebody_ had to. "What is this anyway? I'm used to two keyblades but... Or can I now quadruple wield or something?"

Xeha-braig-bar shook his head, not understanding why Roxas kept having keyblade fall into his lap. There was a reason he still used his guns. His 'dark keyblade' was a fickle thing that only the Xehanort half of him liked. It didn't like him and he didn't like it. Roxas though, that kid got a new one every time he turned around. It just wasn't fair.

"The X-blade!" Xehanort announced, pointing with on finger,

"Yeah..." Roxas looked around as if Xehanort had lost it. Knowing Xehanort, he probably had but he'd find it again soon and set up an elaborate plan that was too complicated to ever work when far easier options existed.

"Not the Keyblades you and I carry, "χ"... A most ancient letter. Some say "kye", but the meaning is the same. Death... A letter that spells endings." Xehanort corrected,

"So I have the Kairi-blade..." Roxas looked at it, holding it up to the light,

"No! The X-blade!" Xehanort sounded affronted, not understanding how anyone could be so disrespectful to the mythical weapon,

"Whatever," Roxas scoffed, "I like my Oblivion and Oathkeeper better."

"Blasphemy!" Xehanort shouted at him,

"Against what?" Roxas looked skeptical, "What's it even do?"

"It will unlock the way to kingdom hearts and restart the Keyblade War!" Xehanort announced grandly, hands grasping upwards,

"What's a Keyblade War?" Roxas asked. He should have known better because it launched Xehanort into a long, scratchy monologue. It was a definite waste of his remaining time in Sora's body. Especially when all that needed said was that keybearers fought over light and caused bad things. Why they didn't just make more light bulbs, Roxas didn't know. Maybe all the worlds then were medieval or something? "So..." Roxas said when Xehanort had seeming finished, "Where would all these keyblade wielders come from? You just said there's one twenty in the first place. Twenty people isn't a war."

"Do not question my genius!" The bald man declared in return,

"Would random people with keyblades just spawn into existence or something? Be the new heartless or something?" Roxas had a small smile on his face, knowing it would infuriate the bearded one but he was genuinely confused.

"Those who know nothing can understand nothing." Xehanort glowered,

"Nothingness is eternal!" said Xemnas, almost gleefully.

...

"Xion! Please don't kill us! It's Roxas's fault! It was Roxas!" Vanitas screamed shrilly.

"It was Roxas!" Ven cried, "Roxas! Not us! We didn't want him to do it!"

"She's gonna kill us! I'm gonna die!" Vanitas started hyperventilating,

"Hey, wait," Ven clasped his dark side on the shoulder, "It's been five minutes."

"Don't leave me!" He whined, "You're supposed to be the good one! Don't leave me to di-ie!"

"I'm sorry Van but rules are rules." Ven said grimly, "Plus, it'll send Roxas back here."

"Roxas?"

"Who actually kicked her out of Sora's body..." Ven waited for Vanitas to get it,

"A sacrifice!"


	5. In Which There Are Omakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simple crack- not actually in the main storyline
> 
> *will remove later* I currently have 12 chapters of this posted on ff.net and I'm in the process of moving them over. I shall post the next chunk in a day or two, but more is written and coming soon.

The room grew quiet in baited breath as they waited for the new not-Sora to appear. Xehanort had stopped growing hopeful that the version of himself would emerge any time soon. Well, at least he could work on his beard. The goatee was a little short for his current tastes. He wanted a Merlin Beard™, or a Gandalf Beard™ or even a Great Dragoon Beard™. Something swishy. Swishy was cool.

Suddenly! There was need for dramatic! Emphasis! Because the next not-Sora! Was! Coming!

There was a tense moment. An extremely _tense_ moment. A moment that one could write poetry about. And then!

Sora lost his nose, his hair just seemed to shrink into his scalp and his eyes narrowed. Riku actually let out an audible wail about seeing a bald Sora. Xemnas liked Sora's new look.

"Nyeeeeeh!" The newly bald Sora-thing yelled, "No one steals my catchphrase! Avada kedavra!"

...

"Brains!" the new not-Sora slobbered,

"Zombie apocalypse! Run! Run away!" Demyx (or whatever is Somebody was called. Edmy? Dyme? Myde? Whatever.) randomly came out of nowhere and ran across the room.

Zombie-Sora fell out of his highchair and began to lurch after him.

The rest of the room sat blinking in disbelief, as if the next time the opened their eyes they'd actually see something sane. It didn't work. It never did.

"Well," Xeha-braig-bar began, "That was awkward."

...

"Eraqus? How the in the name of the Keyblade War did you get into Sora?" Xehanort demanded,

"I think you must have realized by now,"

"Yes," Xehanort mused, "Once I had killed you, you went into Terra's heart. When the nobody and heartless of me were destroyed-"

Xemnas and Ansem, SoD, let out perfectly manly shrieks.

"And I was restored," Xehanort seemed to gloat about this, "Terra's heart was drawn to Ven's because of their connection and-"

"No." Eraqus-Sora responded, "Have you not realized yet, Xehanort? Everyone who dies goes into Sora's heart."

"Oh..." Xehanort looked bewildered,

"It must be crowded then," Axel commented, also looking a little uneasy,

"Yes." Eraqus agreed simply, "We're all on the main island."

...

"EVERYBODY RUN!" Xehanort screeched, "IT'S A FANGIRL!"

Axel and Riku turned very pale. Then they screamed. Poor things.

...

Riku stared at the thing that used to be Sora. For some reason it was purple and flying. It also had a horn on it's head.

"Who are you?" the teen asked,

The background music became a catchy melody that Xeha-braig-bar started grooving to.

"A one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater!"

Riku, Axel and Xehanort exchanged looks. Xemnas and Ansem looked unsure. Some of the Xehanort vessels shifted uneasily.

Mickey asked the question that half the room was dying to know; "What do you count as a person?"

"Or do you only eat purple people?" Axel put in,

"Or one eyed people?" Xeha-braig-bar asked,

The new not-Sora just grinned menacingly. The room was about to get their answers.

...

"COO-KIE! WANT COO-KIES!"

...

"And so I said to him, 'hey dude, your car is on fire.' And he's like 'oh, that's bad dude. Like really bad.' And so I go-"

"Who is this guy?" Riku whispered to Mickey,

"I don't know."

Axel wanted to throw his chakrams after the first minute. After an hour... the not-Sora was not Sora any longer. Sora was not either.

...

The new not-Sora started out his possession on a high note.

"AAAAHHH!"

"Who are you now?" Xehanort asked tiredly, head resting firmly in his palms,

"THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA IS HERE," not-Sora declared operatically,

"What?" Riku said, shocked about Sora's new found singing voice. Doubtless it was just the latest not-Sora's addition but if it wasn't... He definitely had new material to tease Sora about... And then make him join a band so that he could get money off of his friends talent.

"INSIDE YOUR MIND!" He finished dramatically,

"Not quite." Riku snorted,

"You're in the land of the highchairs," Axel quipped,

"And in Sora's heart for some reason unknown." Riku specified,

That was when the 'PHANTOM OF THE OPERA' started trying to hang everyone and offered to teach Axel how to sing- possibly mistaking the very slim redhead for a female. Or maybe he just thought he could sing soprano after enough coaching. This 'PHANTOM' was a little off his rocker. Xehanort thought he would have been a great replacement for Demyx, he being the type to admire psychotic-ness and killing people.

Riku just knew that he was glad he had cut his hair before this messed up test. Soprano was not his thing.

...

The Pikachu-As-A-Sora incident was never to be mentioned again. Ever.

...

Perhaps the most interesting possession of Sora was that of his Keyblade, which may or not be one of the dark ones.

"So you're Sora's keyblade?" Riku sounded skeptical. Sure, he had heard that the weapons were semi-sentient, but talking to a keyblade?

"I was almost yours." The Keyblade-Sora said, "And then you threw me away."

"I never threw you away!" Riku argued,

"And now you have my sister," the Keyblade seemed to find that funny, "Be careful about her."

"I never got the full story," Axel mentioned, "What is this about Riku having Sora's keyblade first? What happened with that?"

"Riku didn't want me," the Keyblade sniffed, "He'd rather play with Maleficent and wear a skirt."

"You are rather judgmental for a weapon!" Riku argued,

The Keyblade agreed, "That's my job. I judge who is worthy and who would rather wear skirts."

Axel snorted, "So how did you end up with Sora?"

"Riku had abandoned his world to the destruction he had helped cause and Sora was left to clean up the mess." The Keyblade turned to Riku and looked at him critically, "Do you know how many times Sora has had to fix your mistakes? It's ridiculous! Even now, Sora wouldn't have taken this silly, overdone Mark of Mastery Exam if you hadn't wanted to! I don't even see how Yen Sid could justify this fiasco as a Mark of Mastery Exam, it's a death trap. And-"

"You don't sound like a Keyblade." Xeha-braig-bar remarked at last,

"What?" The Keyblade bristled, "Do you expect me to be all aloof and boring?"

"As if! Or, um, possibly. Uh, yeah." He admitted, "More like Xehanort here."

Xehanort was being strangely quiet. It was widely presumed that he was considering what the revelation of the keyblades's sentiency would mean to his plans and research. In truth, he was cursing the day that he had ever come up with this plan. Time travel? Dream travel? Planning several years in advance? Over several different times? Culminated into this? A talking keyblade that couldn't stop insulting its former wielder. Next plan, he was keeping simple. He'd try something with dimensions.

"Why did you come back to me? Back-"

"When you were still being an idiot?" the Keyblade chuckled, "Simple, have you seen how Sora use's me? It's like he thinks I'm a club or something. After a while that gets real tiring."


	6. In Which There Are Thoughts of Ice Cream

This time the chance between the not-Sora's wasn't so pronounced. The only change between Roxas and the new one was a slight change of hairstyle. Also, the new not-Sora felt kind of like a puppy dog for some reason. If you had a heart then you just wanted to hug him. If you were a heartless than you wanted to eat him, but that's kind of a given.

"Sorry Roxas," Ven muttered, feeling a little pity for him. Back in Sora's heart, Xion would not be going easy on him. Vanitas was slippery enough to find a way out of most things but Roxas had a habit of bad luck. Well, it would only be five minutes. The kid could survive until then. Right now, he had a body and a X-blade in a room with the evil bald man who wanted both.

Wait, the X-blade! It emerged out here to? That wasn't good. He had a fabled weapon that wasn't actually any good at staying together right in front of Xehanort. Oops. He'd have to break it now, wouldn't he? Just to make sure.

"Roxas?" Axel asked, unsure if the not-Sora had changed or not.

"No, my name is Ventus." Ven said, "But you can call me Ven. Hey, you're Lea, right? I know it's been a while but I got it memorized. "

Axel's jaw dropped. His green eyes widened. It wasn't just because someone had finally called him his name either. He remembered now, something that had been so insignificant and such a long time ago that he'd forgotten about. Axel actually had a good memory, better than most- he had grown up being annoyed by people not having the same recall abilities that he did, in fact that was the reason he had become friends with the remarkably intelligent Isa in the first place- but everything from before he was a Nobody had a deep layer of dust. This particular even had more than a decade of dust over it, but now he remembered a short meeting that raised a lot of questions but gave a few answers as well.

"Ven." Axel managed, "You look like Roxas, had a keyblade and apparently went into Sora's heart? What."

"Ven was in Sora?" Mickey thought aloud, "But why-"

"Hello Mickey!" Ven greeted with a smile,

"KEYBLADE!" Xehanort pointed dramatically. Unfortunately for him, it looked too much like he was doing the disco rather than being needlessly creepy. Xeha-braig-bar smirked.

"Master Xehanort," Ven growled, "Where are Terra and Aqua?!"

"Give me the X-blade boy!" Xehanort cackled. Xeha-braig-bar just shook his head, wondering why keybearers always looked so angry.

"Tell me where Aqua and Terra are!" Ven demanded, swinging the fragile blade threateningly. It didn't have quite the desired effect. Ven in Sora's clothes just wasn't very scary. In fact, Ven could not be scary, no matter what he wore. There was a reason that Vanitas, pure darkness, took the form of Sora rather than Ven.

"Terra, he was a-" Xehanort began a monologue that just made people want to tape his mouth and kick his behind. He was quite the antagonizer. It translated to, "He's kind of down there as Ansem and Xemnas in body but since they are actually dead, and I've returned to being myself I don't have any flipping clue what happened to Terra." But since he was Xehanort, the all-knowing and super planner, he couldn't just say that so he put a lot of fluff into it.

Riku yelled in frustration, "Stop talking! What are we even doing here? All we're doing is sitting around like idiots, talking! Aren't we supposed to be fighting or something? Am I the only one who's getting tired of seeing the next doofus possess Sora?"

"That wasn't very nice." Xehanort was offended,

"Yeah Riku," Mickey put in, "You just called Ven a doofus."

"I don't even know who Ven is!" Riku said, "All I'm saying is this is really unproductive."

"And randomly fighting anything you see is?" Axel brought up, "Though I see your point, I don't think this can last much longer."

Ven looked around as everyone seemed to have forgotten about him. Even Xehanort seemed to be gloating too much to actually try to obtain the X-blade. Well, that was that, he supposed. He had about three minutes until someone tried to take the body. Maybe more if Xion kept being so destructive. He obviously wasn't going to accomplish anything here.

With a shrug, he threw the X-blade up and turned it into a spaceship-thing. It wasn't the one he was used to but it worked. Maybe it'd go faster. Even if it didn't, he was going to find his friends. He hopped onto the formerly useless X-blade and opened a pathway.

"Keyblades can do that?!" Axel and Riku suddenly started trying to figure out how they could transform their keyblades. Suddenly the giant key became a lot cooler.

Ven was about to zoom off when he realized, no armor. What was a keyblade wielder doing without armor? He knew Roxas and Xion never mentioned it but they at least had those Organization cloaks that were supposed to do about the same thing. But Sora was supposed to be the savior of worlds! Why didn't he get armor? How in the worlds did he get around?

With a sigh, he closed the portal and returned to his chair. The X-blade was a blade again. Ven might have considered stealing one of the many cloaks around the room but he was too good for that. Vanitas would have done it in a heartbeat.

"You've got to teach me how to do that!" Riku actually sounded excited for once. Brooding and angst took the backseat when you just found out that you had a sword/key/thing that you could turn into a ship.

"You don't know?" Ven sounded confused, "Didn't your master teach you?"

"No, I don't have a master. I learned everything by myself."

"What?" Ven looked at Riku and thought hard, "So Sora is self taught too?"

"Yeah."

"You guys really don't know how to transform your keyblades? And you didn't have to study for years before you were allowed to go off world?"

"No...?" Riku looked at the blond. Why would you have to study a keyblade for years? It was just a blunt instrument that unlocked things and now apparently turned into a spaceship.

"So you guys are a bunch of apprentices?" Ven was worried, "How long have you had your keyblade?"

"For a while," Riku said, "A few months. I'm actually on my Mark of Mastery Exam right now. Or I was. Then Xehanort hijacked it."

Ven blinked. A few months? This was supposed to be a Mastery Exam? Things had sure changed. He wasn't quite sure how many years Aqua and Terra had studied- more than the three he could remember for sure- and he didn't see any floating bubbles.

For the first time in his life he felt old.

"What happened to Master Eraqus?" Ven looked at Mickey, worried,

"Er, he was struck down." Mickey looked sad, "Right before Xehanort plunged his world into darkness."

"What!?" Ven felt sick, "When was this?"

"Right before he went to the keyblade graveyard."

"And no one told me!?" Ven was truly mad at this. He may have been crushed when Master Eraqus had tried to kill him but- And his home! And no one had thought to mention this earlier? Terra would have been there. Wouldn't he have? He remembered that when he, Terra and Aqua had met up that they had been upset but... And they didn't tell him!?

Maybe he should have stayed in Sora's heart.

...

Back in Sora's heart, Roxas wouldn't have minded if Ven had stayed. In fact, he would have loved it. No one likes a being of pure darkness to push them in front of a giant pink form thing of their friend while chanting "SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!"

It just takes the sparkle out of your day.

Luckily, he had been able to talk Xion down. It turns out that threatening to use Vanitas's poetry against someone is very effective persuasion. Now, the dark-haired girl was standing across from him, her arms crossed and in a deep sulk. Vanitas was bragging about his poems and making a loud nuisance of himself. Data Ansem was standing, emotionless and blank. And Xehanort? Xehanort was mmpphhmmf-ing loudly. Roxas just felt kind of awkward.

"This isn't going to work, is it?" He finally said, "Eventually, we need to get Sora back."

"Maybe later," Vanitas put his hands behind his head, "No hurry."

"Xehanort has told us that Sora cannot be recovered." Data Ansem said evenly,

"Well that's not true." Roxas said, "It can't be."

"It can be. Optimism will not change the laws of the universe." Ansem argued,

"No, I'm not talking about optimism here. Sora can and will be saved. That's just how these things go." Roxas stated, "Axel came back from the dead of all things, we're still alive in here and remember, Sora came back from being a heartless. I don't think there is a way that any of us could ever be lost."

"You are not invincible." Ansem said unnecessarily. Roxas's idea had penetrated into all of their minds. Even the upset clone was thinking about it.

"Whether Roxas is right or not, sometime we do have to save Sora." Xion grumbled,

"Sometime." Vanitas repeated, "But not now."

Even if Roxas and Xion were good they were still a tiny bit selfish. They both had already given up everything for Sora once. Why do it again when Sora would just get into trouble? The guy was a danger magnet and had more heart than sense. In fact, Sora's body might even stay alive longer if one of them took care of it for a while.

Or, scratch that. Noble arguments cannot be made by those who want to eat ice cream. Especially when they had barely been alive for a year. Their consciences didn't take much justification. They wanted ice cream so they would get ice cream. Vanitas couldn't even be blamed.

"That's fine with me." Roxas smiled,

"In fact..." Vanitas paused dramatically with a wicked smile upon his face, "We could probably help Sora better if we all had bodies."

"You mean," Xion considered, "That we all find other bodies?"

"Why not?" was Vanitas's answer.

Ice cream.

"Ok." Xion agreed, "But who gets this body next." She gave the two boys a look that said quite clearly that it had better be her.

"Erm..." Vanitas stalled, trying to think of a solution. Then he found one. It wasn't his first choice but it could work for a little while. "We all do. We share it."

"Five minutes here, five minutes there?" Roxas asked,

"No. All at once."

"Won't that be chaos?" Xion hesitated,

"So?" Vanitas started liking he plan better, "Did you forget who you're talking to?"

...

Xehanort wanted his precious. He needed his precious. The X-blade needed to be his!

And then Ven just backhandedly smashed it against the chair, shattering it like glass.

That stopped Xehanort mid monologue.

"What have you done?" He burst out, his voice cracking greatly,

"That was for Terra." Ven said impressively. Then he dismissed the X-blade, removing the fragments and shards from the room. "And that was for Aqua."

Xehanort screamed in horror until he gathered his composure.

"I shall only forge it again, you foolish boy!"

"Go ahead," he shrugged, "Try."

"I will!"

"Good for you. Except you can't without a thirteenth vessel or the cooperation of me and Vanitas."

Xehanort made the little squeaking sound of someone who had just had all their hopes and dreams crushed. But he recovered quickly. Xehanort was always big on dignity.

"We shall see." Xehanort said ominously, "You are still assuming that I don't have other plans."


	7. In Which Vanitas Trys To Warn About The Zipper Conspiracy

Xehanort tried to laugh evilly, a loud and creepy chuckle. Unfortunately for him, it sounded like he was dying from a fit of coughing; as if he were choking on strong coffee fumes, burning his lungs; like he was just about to be nailed into a coffin. A chorus of the poor sickening due to empty coffers.

This was, of course, when Vanitas put his plan into action.

This change on Sora's body was bizarre to say the least. The form took characteristics from all of them- Ven's hairstyle with Xion's coloring. Vanitas's face with Roxas's eyes. Data Ansem's eyebrows paired with Xehanort's skin tone. One could argue it was a monstrosity but some would consider it cool looking.

"I call the first body, even if it's made of ice!" Xion shrieked,

"Whatever you say." Vanitas agreed,

"Is that fair?" Roxas asked,

"Finally! My thirteenth vessel has become my own!" Xehanort-Who-Was-Formerly-In-Sora's-Heart cheered.

"What the heck have you people done?" Ven cried out as if the world had lost all its sanity,

"I calculate that this is an unstable arrangement." Data Ansem commented,

"Shurureppdaanntasemnofrbenyc ares!" Vanitas and Roxas spoke at the same time, greatly hindering each other's diction abilities."

Of course, anyone outside of Sora wasn't aware of this. To everyone else not sharing the body, it looked like the new not-Sora was not only different but slightly (completely) insane; "I call the first body, even if it's made of ice! Whatever you say. Is that fair? Finally! My thirteenth vessel has become my own! What the heck have you people done? I calculate that this is an unstable arrangement. Shurureppdaanntasemnofrbenyc ares!"

Nothing really made sense. And Xehanort was still coughi- chuckling. Mr. Mucus did perk up at his self-in-Sora's-body's statement but it only made him seem like he needed an inhaler even more.

"And now my plan, the one all you have mocked, has finally come to fruitation!" Xehanort widened his eyes and thrust out his arms dramatically, "Now we shall-"

"Erm, dude?" not-Sora said, "There's a problem with that. A big one. I shall prevail! Why did we ever untie him? Well it wasn't like we were going to leave him alone. Why not? Seriously? Just think about what Baldalot would do to the islands if he got bored. Ah, fair point. I was talking here! Oh sorry, continue then." Not-Sora growled in frustration, "Whatever. But anyways, Xehanort- Yes?- Other one! Xehanort with the bald head and his own body, you have failed again to our awesomeness!"

Riku stared at his friends body with confusion. Why did Sora have a crazy person in him? When he saved Sora he was going to get his friend's heart fixed. He would rip out all these strange squatters and put some kind of lock on Sora's heart to prevent everyone and their dog from treating it like some kind of party ground. Was everyone's heart saturated with random people? Did Riku have anybody, other that Ansem\Xehanort's-Heartless living inside him? Was it some kind of plague? Was there a vaccination against it?

"Who is it now?" Axel asked, also creeped out by the not-Sora conglomerate.

"All of us." Not-Sora said, "You know, me? And me? I'm here to! Don't you recognize me? I'm still here... not sure why the others are here. I am present as well." Not-Sora finished on a familiar evil laugh.

"That was..." Riku paused, "So helpful."

"I think we've finally met someone even crazier than you, you old coot." Xeha-braig-bar chuckled,

"It is obviously my heart starting to infect Sora's body, eclipsing all other residents." Xehanort said, "See how prevalent my heart grows as it nears complete dominance!"

"Actually," not-Sora corrected, "We are in balance. Yeah! The bald one isn't getting anywhere!"

Mickey was the first to catch on, "You mean to say that Vanitas, Ansem, Xion, Roxas, Ven and Xehanort are all in there?"

"Yeah, can't you tell?" Not-Sora asked flippantly, "Why did you guys do this again, it's complete chaos. Oh, Ven, once again you have forgotten- I know you're evil Vanitas, but this just looks like we're crazy. Everyone pick a voice or accent or something so that they can tell us apart."

"Yes, please!" Xeha-braig-bar agreed, "As entertaining as this is, it's starting to make my poor little head hurt."

No one was brave enough to comment on his statement.

Vanitas picked a maniacal British accent and sentenced a not so thrilled Ven to an Irish one. Xion spoke in a falsetto which she thought was rather insulting given the sterotypicalness but she couldn't come up with anything else. Data spoke slow and low while Roxas got Sora's normal voice. Xehanort just wheezed. The effect was rather odd but it made the different hearts in Sora's body a lot easier to follow for the outside world.

"What are we going to do then?" Ven's attempt at an Irish accent said. Surprisingly, he actually could do it well. He sounded less like a stereotypical leprechaun and more like an actual Irish person. This was because during the ten years in which both he and Vanitas spent along in Sora's heart, there was only so much they could do to keep themselves entertained. They did some more straightforward things such as tic-tac-toe, poetry writing and swimming but over the years, they had come up with some more creative pastimes such as yodeling, building gondolas and perfecting random accents. Ven should just be glad that Vanitas hadn't forced him to do his spot on Xehanort impression.

"Get ice cream." Xion said,

"Sure." Roxas nodded.

"Take over the worlds!" a certain bald heart declared,

"Sounds fun," Vanitas shrugged,

"You're going evil again?" Ven said, surprised and disappointed.

"I've always been evil." Vanitas clarified, "But his suggestion sounds the most interesting so far. What do you want to do? Find Aqua and Terra?"

"Yes..." Ven admitted,

"So it sounds to me like we go get ice cream, and with it, take over the world to find Ven's friends." Vanitas put together,

"Foolish boy! You do not take over the worlds with ice cream!" Both (full, not halves like Xeha-braig-bar) Xehanorts objected, "You must take over the worlds to get Kingdom Hearts so you may restart the Keyblade War so you can see what happens!"

Raspy Sora and Raspy Xehanort speaking in tandem was creepy. Imagine it. Now imagine Vanitas's British accent;

"Why are you so obsessed with Kingdom Hearts!? It never works!"

"I'm not obsessed!" The Xehanorts protested,

"Yes you are!" Xeha-braig-bar complained, "Half of my brain is a weird, evil never-stopping monologue about Kingdom Hearts, the X-blade and Darkness."

Axel thanked his lucky stars that he hadn't become part Xehanort. That would have been really bad. He didn't think that he would have lasted a day with Mr. Mucus never ceasing hoarse plotting. Flame-hair would become an even more appropriate adjective.

(Xemnas is proof enough)

"Why are you so obsessed with the Keyblade War anyway?" Vanitas asked again, "You never would tell me even ten years ago, or is it close to twelve now? I've lost track."

"I won't tell you now either!" Xehanort(s) promised.

"It is rather bizarre. You wrote this whole script but for what?" Axel wondered,

"You don't want to know," Xeha-braig-bar warned, "It's pretty insane."

"Would you tell me?" Vanitas gave him a winning smile, trying to copy Ven's adorableness and his good luck with people.

"As if!" He refused, "Like I would betray Mr. Bald? Remember, I'm half Xehanort."

"Who monologues all the time..." Axel reminded him,

"Good point." Xeha-braig-bar muttered, massaging his temples.

Xehanort glowered at his half-self and then Axel, "You just wouldn't understand."

"Actually," the red head considered, "Here's something I don't understand. If you were planning on turning the former Organization XIII into yourself, I have to ask... Larxene?"

Roxas winced, "Yeah... That's a good question."

"Who's Larxene?" Riku asked, not remembering that particular member,

"I can kind of understand Marluxia," Axel shrugged, still focused on Xehanort, "He at least had the creepiness down, although the constant flowers were ridiculous. But Larxene?"

The bald one's face began to grimace unbecomingly. Axel of course, couldn't stop.

"And Demyx? It's really hard to picture you in his little mullet thing. But I think Larxene is the most incomprehensible."

"Do not question my genius!" Xehanort threatened,

"I suppose you do like skirts..." Axel baited,

"What?!" Xehanort bellowed, thunderstruck,

"Your coat thing looks like a skirt."

"I wouldn't comment on that..." Ven warned,

"Why?"

"Look in the mirror!" Vanitas grinned, "Not that I'm any better. Evil wears skirts man, that's just how it is."

"What?" Xion sounded completely confused,

"And that doesn't even cover the zipper conspiracy!" Vanitas said wickedly,

"Don't, just don't. Please Vanitas, don't." Ven groaned, obviously familiar with this particular bout of mischief.

"But they are infecting us all!" Vanitas warned, "Don't these good people deserve to know about the danger around them?"

"No. They don't."

"You are no fun, you know that?"

"You can have fun without being evil."

"Given people a good intentioned, useful warning isn't-"

"Then that's another reason you can't do it."

"As entertaining as watching you argue yourself," Xeha-braig-bar broke in, "You're letting the monologue-r escape his answer about Larxene."

"You have betrayed me!" Xehanort objected,

"Nope." Xeha-braig-bar smiled, "I'm just getting more in touch with my roots."

"So, Larxene?" Axel prompted,

"I just needed her lightning ability." Xehanort grumbled,

"So the fact that she was certifiably insane never crossed your mind?" Axel said, "And, oh, that would have been awkward..."

"Do I dare ask?" Vanitas, of course, asked.

"I think she had a crush on me," Axel said, sort of embarrassed, "And I just got to thinking that is we both had half of the same person in us but-"

"That's as far as you need to go." Roxas stopped him, "Seriously."

"And you do know that soon I'm going to be all Xehanort soon," Xeha-braig-bar commented, "I think this is just transition period."

"Zipper conspiracy." Vanitas said when the silence had reached its peak awkward potential.


	8. In Which Omakes Strike Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again- noncanon omakes (except the Sacrifice extra)

The new not-Sora as definitely _not_ Sora. His eyes were cold, cold as machinery. There were other physical changes as well, subtle ones suggesting something other than human. Unknown to all in the room, the lack of blatant alterations from this heart was only because such a being was not the most compatible with a humanoid body.

"WHERE AM I?" the not-Sora said, the voice almost like a screeching machine. "ANSWER. ANSWER!"

"The World That Never Was..." Axel replied, kind of freaked by this new not-Sora.

"DO NOT RECOGNISE." Not-Sora replied,

"Who are you?" Riku risked asking,

"I AM A DALEK." The not-Sora proclaimed,

"Aderick? Weird name." Xeha-braig-bar commented, unaware of the snorts that followed due to the irony.

"I AM A DALEK." The Dalek corrected, sounding slightly peeved, "YOU WILL TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER."

"I am the leader!" Xehanort ze Bald raised his hand like an eager elementary schooler answering a question in class, "I will-"

"YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED." The Dalek interrupted, not wishing to hear the wheezy one's monologue. "DALEKS REIGN SUPREME. _EX-TER-MIN-NATE_!" The Dalek opened his mouth and unceremoniously shot a laser out of it's mouth at Xehanort. For a second, everyone could see his skeleton in the green flash. Then Xehanort's body went limp and slumped in his high chair like a cool villain,

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just do that!" Xeha-braig-bar yelped,

"Yeah!" Mickey agreed,

"You didn't go through the boss music or his multiple health-bars." Riku protested, unconsciously rubbing his sword arm, still sore from fighting Young Xehanort. In truth he was a bit jealous.

"There's still twelve left," Axel shrugged, quite frankly glad to be rid of one psychopath. In fact, he admired the Dalek's style. He always like to get things over quickly. It kind of reminded him of that time that he had exploded Vexan with a snap of his fingers. Good memories.

"It was still rude!" Mickey gave his new red headed teammate a look. In fact, most of the room was looking at him. Even the bad guys didn't get Axel's lack of respect for battle etiquette.

"DALEKS DO NOT NEED MANNERS!" the Dalek said pompously, "DALEKS REIGN SUPREME."

"That was just not cool man!" Xeha-braig-bar argued, "You just killed Xehanort! Without a fair fight! Without _any_ fight! You just don't do that."

"I JUST DID."

"But you just killed me without anything! Or, rather you killed half of me. A full version of half of me. Do you have any idea what that means?"

Blank looks turned to the distressed man in the eyepatch. Except for the Dalek, staring calculatingly in the distance.

"I'm dead!" Xeha-braig-bar shouted.

"YES, YOU WILL BE. YOU WILL ALL BE EXTERMINATED." The Dalek agreed, "EX-TER-MIN-NATE! EX-TER-MIN-NATE! EX-TER-MIN- _NATE_!"

...

Eventually, the Dalek made himself a good life. As the body it was in, even if the Dalek didn't like being impure, it was still technically a keyblade wielder. Therefore, Heartless would swarm around it. This gave the Dalek some nice target practice and with time, it would rid the worlds of every last Heartless. Unfortunately for the Dalek, but fortunate for the worlds, the Dalek never could figure out how to get up stairs even if it was in a human body. Therefore, it was forever trapped in the same area of the castle, exterminating Heartless and Nobodies as possible.

Plus, all of Xehanort's plans were stopped.

...

"My precious!" the new not-Sora hissed and trilled oddly, "I need me precious! So golden and shiny, it calls to me."

"No, it's my precious!" Xehanort objected, "The X-blade is mine, all mine!"

"Stupid orc, it's my precious! Not that hobbitses, stupid fat ugly hobbitses!"

"Hobbits?"

"Short and small little-" the not-Sora continued on but Xehanort had lost attention.

"They are hobbits." The golden eyed man realized all of his troublesome foes were short. Ven, Sora, Mickey... All so difficult. But Terra, the tall, so easy to manipulate. This must be a conspiracy! His enemies had to these hobbit creatures! "DEATH TO ALL HOBBITS!"

...

Xehanort had never been called a vampire before today. Neither had Xeha-braig-bar. Mickey had never been declared a werewolf either. Axel himself wasn't sure what a Volturi was but given that it sounded cool, he wasn't going to complain. Riku was much less flattered at being labeled mortal.

Apparently, the new not-Sora, some flouncy chap named Edward was very glad to be in the company of people that didn't eat humans. He also wanted to find some Bella Swan chick and brood. He was weary of Mickey and seemed to skip over the 'mortal'. He also put out an aura that repeated "nonchalant" like a personal theme mantra.

"I can honestly say that I've never drank anyone's blood before." Xeha-braig-bar stated,

"I'm a monster!" Edward declared torturously,

"Why?" Riku asked dryly,

"I have killed people!" He gasped, "This is the skin of a killer!"

Then the not-Sora sparkled and Riku collapsed on the floor in laugher. He was never going to let Sora live this down. Ever.

"Look around the room," Axel smirked, "I think it's safe to say that we've all killed something."

Nods spread across the room as well as affirmative noises. Xehasnort's eyes gleamed manically, not even being able to count the number of people his plans had destroyed. He had destroyed whole worlds, even if Sora had brought them back with Disney Ex Mechina.

"But I drank their blood and-"

"EW! Seriously, dude? That's gross!" Xeha-braig-bar complained, looking like he was going to throw up. "That is so not cool!"

Everyone else gave the 'monster' a weary look of revulsion.

"How is that even possible?" Riku asked,

"What do you mean?" Edward responded, "I rip their throat ou-"

Riku stopped him before he could finish, "All I'm saying is that I've been munched at by heartless, swallowed by darkness, shot with magic, stabbed, cut, slashed, beaten, clawed and elsewise mangled and I've never actually bled."

"Vampire!" Edward shrieked.

"I thought I was a mortal?"

...

The new not-Sora was a curious character. Actually, it's more accurate to say that he was a... familiar character. A character that definitely wasn't Sora but, erm, NOT Sora. But they had met. A few times. Even if Sora wouldn't remember it.

To the circular room of highchairs, the new not-Sora looked like the heart was human at least. Not-Sora's hair was silver and his eyes were a light aqua-teal shade. His hair may have flattened out slightly but it was hard to tell.

"This is the afterlife?" not-Sora asked, looking around. Then, spying Riku, he groaned, "And I'm still nothing but a copy!"

"Copy?" Riku scrutinized him, "Oh no, what are you doing here?!"

"Riku, who is that?" Mickey asked, looking from him to not-Sora.

"That's my replica." Riku introduced,

"Two Rikus?" Xeha-braig-bar raised his eyebrows, "You've brought back the wrong copy, you old coot!" The eye-patched man informed the bald one rather needlessly. He just liked making fun of Xehanort to be honest, a little revenge for ruining the life of Braig.

Xehanort was not amused, "Where did this copy come from? Why is he here?"

"I don't know why I'm here. Why are you here? Lost your hair or something?" The Riku Replica glowered,

"Vexan was experimenting at Castle Oblivion..." Axel volunteered quietly. Hopefully Repliku wouldn't hold a grudge on him. Ienzo/Zexion didn't, and Axel had actually killed him.

"You." Repliku glared at Axel, "You got me killed."

"Actually Riku killed you, I just influenced you to fight him." Axel deflected nervously, "I'm sorry about that. I was quite literally a different person at the time."

"What am I doing here?" Repliku demanded,

"Bowing to me and my mighty plans!" Xehanort burst out, spreading his arms grandly, "You are just a delay in the inevitable! I shall have that body as my thirteenth vessel!"

"Who is that clown?" Repliku asked Riku,

"An insane keyblade master who has-" Riku paused, "Ok, that actually might take some explaining. To you, at least. Well, you know Ansem?"

"Why is he right there?" Repliku pointed him out,

"Time travel, but that's not important-"

"-Time travel!?"

"Well Ansem wasn't really Ansem, he was heartless of Xehanort. And Xemnas was his nobody."

"Xemnas? Nobody?"

"The black cloaks leader. That guy." Riku pointed out the strangly bald nobody, "Basically, they both died so Xehanort was brought back."

"What?"

"And that's not even factoring in Terra." Xeha-braig-bar added,

"Terra?"

"Or the Organortzation." Mr. Eyepatch smirked.

"What did I do to deserve this afterlife?" Repliku muttered as Riku brought up the dream hacking. "It doesn't even make sense!"

...

The Sacrifice-

"Would random people with keyblades just spawn into existence or something? Be the new heartless or something?" Roxas had a small smile on his face, knowing it would infuriate the bearded one but he was genuinely confused.

"Those who know nothing can understand nothing." Xehanort glowered,

"Nothingness is eternal!" said Xemnas, almost gleefully.

It was then that Roxas felt himself get yanked back into Sora's heart. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling, although it was pretty jarring. It was very weird finding yourself in a different place without any warning. Especially since the circular white room was a very different place than the Destiny Islands. No more Insane Troll Logic and hello nice calm beach. Or at least as calm as a place could be with Vanitas. And Xion rampaging. Wait, what?

Why was the giant pink form of Xion that he had fought months ago stomping around in Sora's heart? This wasn't good. This was very bad.

 _Duh_. Roxas chastised himself for thinking so obviously. Of course it was bad! _Was_ there any possible way for this to _be_ good? He shook his head, annoyed with himself.

Vanitas was now running towards him. Another thing to worry about. What was he saying? The self professed Evil Incarnate was shouting something. Something about a sack?

"Sacrifice! Sacrifice! Sacrifice!" Vanitas chanted loudly, an unhealthy smirk positively glowing on his face,

"What?" Roxas asked, sort of dazed by the craziness of it all. Vanitas's smirk grew to impossible levels.

"SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!" Vanitas's voice crescendo-ed and then the creep pushed him, sprawled out in front of the raging Xion.

Oh, crud.

Roxas looked up. He needed to stall.

"Don't kill me!" He kind of shrieked. Xion gave him an unamused look. It seemed to say 'you went back on our deal. Now I eat you.' Roxas paused a second because he was pretty sure that Xion was not, under any circumstance, eat him. He must be translating the look wrong. He guessed that Xion still wanted a reason why not to harm him.

Vanitas chuckled and Roxas swore to have his revenge.

Roxas's mind wandered slightly, wondering what could make Vanitas repent. It would have to be pretty horrible given Vanitas's tolerance to most things. He would have to be to write such awful poetry...

No! No. Bad idea! Horrible idea! Never in a million years. It would be too cruel! But Xion was being kinda threatening...

Well, he'd give it a go. Hopefully he wouldn't die.

"If you don't calm down and de-pink-afy yourself then I'm going to recite poetry. Not just any poetry- Vanitas's _wonderful_ verses!" Roxas smirked as he saw Xion freeze in horror, " _O'er the hills of keyblades past, there was a ma_ -"

Xion was herself again. Still angry, but not going to eat him.

"You say one more word and I will murder your soul to death." Xion told him, her chilly tone completely serious. "And Vanitas? Don't ever try to sacrifice Roxas to me again. It just doesn't work."


End file.
